When you remember
by AimeeCollins
Summary: After Alaric was turned into an Original by Esther, Elena decides that it's better for all of them if she dies. She asks Damon to erase her memory about everything and faces her fate. Delena. One-shot. Death!fic


**Hello readers,**

**This one shot has been inspired by Youtube video "Damon and Elena – I still love you" by MIMA2541. Check it out, it got me tears in my eyes – and even the scenes in which Alaric and Elena died couldn't do that. **

**WHEN YOU REMEMBER**

**After Alaric was turned into an Original by Esther, Elena decides that it's better for all of them if she dies. She asks Damon to erase her memory about everything and faces her fate.**

_I've hurt both of them. I'm no better than Katherine at all. First I was with Stefan. Then Stefan left me to save his brother. When Stefan was gone, said brother protected me and kissed me. I kissed him back, but I never told him about my true feelings. I love both of them, yet I know that I can't. It's wrong. More wrong is that I asked Stefan to the Decade Dance, after kissing with Damon shortly before. It's better if I just disappear out of their lives. They won't have to worry about Klaus, or Alaric or bloodlines. Most of all, they won't have to hurt anymore over me. _

All of that went through Elena Gilberts head while she wrote it down in her diary. She sighed, flipped the page and wrote _'Damon,'_ on the page. Her pencil hovered just above her diary. Was it right to write a letter to Damon first, or should she begin with Stefan's letter? She studied her hands, creamy pale with nails that had been pedicured a few days ago. The pink nail paint was already fading away, just like her desire to live.

The feeling of reluctance had always been there since her parents had died. She blamed herself for it, even though everyone told her that she shouldn't. Because of her, they'd driven off the Wickery Bridge. Because of her, Stefan hadn't saved them first. She was alive because of Stefan, but what was the point when she kept on hurting people?

Elena sighed and brushed a lose strand of chocolate brown hair behind her ear. She studied her reflection in the mirror. She looked healthy and happy, even though she was grimacing. When she'd decided, she'd put on subtle make-up. Her eyelids were done with a brown-bronze colour that blended in with the skin around it. She'd rubbed foundation on her face until it had looked natural enough.

Her long eyelashes were made up with a bit of waterproof mascara, something she was thankful for, because her diary was covered in wet teardrops. She wore a light purple blouse with short sleeves and cut off shorts, with ballerina's on her feet. This wasn't a time for heels. Elena looked around her room, her double bed with cream covers and five pillows that matched the other colours in her room. The windowsill in which she'd always sit when pondering.

Jeremy would miss her. But he'd been compelled to never think back to Mystic Falls. Would that mean that he would grieve a little and then move on with his life? Elena sniffled and put her diary away. She looked out of the window and then checked her mobile phone. It was three o' clock.

"Can I come over?" Elena texted to Damon. She closed her eyes and waited until her phone buzzed. "Sure. You OK?" was the reply. She sighed and grabbed her diary. She knew what to write.

'_Damon,_

_If you read this, I'm probably dead. Or I at least don't remember you anymore. Maybe I'm strapped into a chair with blood bags connected to my veins, slowly bleeding out. I'm sorry if this hurts you. I asked you to erase my memories because I feel like I'm no better than Katherine. Even though I keep telling myself that I don't, I'm still toying with your feelings. If you're shaking your head now and saying 'No you're not!' then think about it._

_I love Stefan, but I also love you. Damon, you consume me, so much. You gave me adventure and showed me danger. But now, with Alaric and Klaus, there's too much danger. You and Stefan are risking your lives for me, just like my parents did. Just like everyone who died did. Isobel, John… They died in keeping me safe. You almost died when you tried to prevent the sacrifice and got bit by Tyler. _

_Then you kissed me. I kissed you back, while I loved Stefan. I also loved you. And in the motel, I kissed you, to find out if I had feelings for you. You never got an answer to your question: Yes, Damon, I do have feelings for you. Not that it matters now: I've probably forgotten about it. But I also have feelings for Stefan. I don't want to choose one if I lose the other. See? I'm just as bad as Katherine. _

_Goodbye Damon, I love you…_

_Elena.'_

Teardrops fell on the page and Elena threw away her diary with a painful cry. It hit the window and bounced back on the windowsill. It was definitely a place where Damon would find it. Or perhaps Stefan would find it. This was unfair, too. She'd only left a letter for Damon, she just couldn't bring it up to write to Stefan as well.

Stefan would always let her make her own decisions. Even if she decided to die, he wouldn't stop her. But Damon would. He would hunt her down to the end of the world if that meant that she would live. Or he would feed her vampire blood, so that she would come back as a vampire. Elena remembered the salty taste of Damon's blood and felt her heart pounding.

She shook it off and hit the "Cancel" button when her phone rang. Her phone buzzed again. "Elena, what's going on? Call me!" it was Damon again. Elena shook her head and turned off her phone. She took one more look in her mirror and saw the face of an eighteen year old girl that had lived her life full of misery and pain and was ready to end it.

She also saw unconditional love for both of the Salvatore brothers. Her love for Stefan flowed like a river, soft and calm. Her love for Damon was like a fire that had flared up: destructive and consuming everything that came in its path. And at that moment she knew which love was the strongest, which love would last for all eternity and she knew that her heart belonged to the oldest Salvatore brother.

Elena sighed and blinked the tears away. Her eyes had become red and puffy. She snatched her keys from the dressing table and walked down the familiar stairs toward her car. She'd grown up in this house, she remembered the family nights with her parents, before they'd died. She remembered cooking and teasing Jenna with her boyfriends and she remembered yelling at Jeremy about his drug use.

She brushed the strand of hair back behind her ear and opened the door softly, as if she was afraid that someone would hear and stop her. Closing the door behind her one last time, the click when it went in the lock sounded definite. Her hand slid over the soft wood and eventually let go.

* * *

When she arrived at the Salvatore house, Damon was already waiting in the doorstep. Elena walked toward him slowly, taking time for every single step. All the while, she looked around. She looked at the forest that grew in the Salvatore's backyard. The leaves were emerald green and the raindrops twinkled on them when the sun brushed over them.

Damon saw that she needed some time and waited for her patiently. Elena's heart broke when she saw his worried expression and his eyes that were filled with the same unconditional love she was feeling. She swallowed heavily and wished that she could back out of it, but she'd already made her decision. A decision that was the best for all of them.

Elena looked at Damon, up and down his frame. He was dressed in his signature black jeans and t-shirt and his hair was combed in a way that made it look sloppy. Damon gave her his 500watt smile, but that only caused Elena to tear up.

She flew into his arms and Damon hugged her tightly. 'What happened?' he asked, his anger barely concealed. 'Was it Klaus, or Rebekah? Alaric?' his tone became more urgent, but Elena shook her head. She opened her mouth to say something, but only more sobs came out. Damon brushed her hair and rubbed her back, all the while whispering soothing words into her ear.

'Come inside, I'll make you some coffee.' he said soothingly. Elena nodded, bit her lip and followed him. She looked through the house, from the wooden bar with Damon's stash of Bourbon to the fireplace. Damon threw some wood in it and set it on fire. 'Come.' he whispered while he took Elena by the arm, to the couch.

She laid down and shivered, not because of the cold but rather from the emotions that she was feeling. Damon put a blanket over her and handed her some boiling hot coffee. Elena drank from it, even though it burned her tongue. All the while, Damon kept on stroking her hair. When Elena was positive that the tears were gone, she sighed deeply.

'Now tell me what happened.' Damon said softly, looking at her with so much worry and love in his eyes that it almost caused Elena to become teary again. She sniffled and buried her head in his chest. He held her tightly and she felt as if she was in the safest place of the world. For a few seconds, only around three, Elena got frightened. She didn't want to die. They would figure it out, they would find a way to kill Alaric…

_There is no way_. Elena thought to herself. 'Elena! You're scaring me!' Damon said frightened. Elena took a deep breath and looked at Damon. She met his amazing blue eyes and didn't take her eyes off them. 'I want to forget everything. I want to forget meeting you and Stefan. I want to forget about finding out what you are and everything that's happened. I… I'm just as bad as Katherine, Damon! I'm toying with both of you, without realizing what impact it has on both of you!' she said, getting teary again.

Damon was silent for a few seconds. Elena didn't dare to look at him. When Damon lifted her chin with his fingers, she looked up with fear in her doe brown eyes. Damon swallowed heavily. 'I want you to give me an honest answer,' he said and Elena nodded slowly. 'If that's what you want… I'll do it for you.' he finished slowly. He was too getting tears in his eyes. Elena nodded again and Damon stroked her cheek with his thumb. Elena swallowed and closed her eyes at his touch, Damon could hear her heart beat getting stronger and faster.

'Are you using me and my brother, or do you really feel for us? I don't need to know who you love most, Elena. I'm not even asking you if you love me. I just need to know… was it all real, or just a play?' Damon asked after seconds of deafening silence. Elena opened her eyes and stared at him in disbelief. 'Damon, all of my feelings are real. I could never pretend… I do _really_ love you, Damon. You and Stefan.'Damon closed his eyes and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.

Elena loved him. Him _and _his brother. When he opened his eyes, Elena could hardly handle the fear anymore. Damon nodded silently and took her hands in his. 'I'll do this for you… On one condition.' he said slowly. Elena frowned and feared she knew what the condition would be. 'Kiss me. Kiss me one more time, with your heart, your soul. Give me everything you've got.' he whispered, looking at their joined hands rather than her face.

Elena swallowed and pulled up his head with her fingers. Damon looked so vulnerable, so hurt, that her heart broke again. She caressed his chin and his cheeks, his cheekbones, his mouth. His eyes closed when she caressed his eyelids. She twined her arms around her neck and his hands wrapped around her waist tightly. She leaned in and closed her own eyes.

Their lips met. Elena felt fire and desire flaring up in her heart. Her lips brushed over Damon's and they tasted sweet, almost like vanilla. Damon's mouth opened slowly and his tongue touched her lips softly. Elena opened her own mouth and their tongues brushed against each other. Damon's grip on her waist tightened and he deepened the kiss.

He pulled away and Elena panted. Their eyes never left each other and Damon leaned in to kiss her again. This kiss was more passionate, it caused Elena's entire body to burn with desire. He pushed her down on the length of the couch and she wrapped her legs around his body. Her hands disappeared under his shirt and he gasped at the coldness of her hands.

Damon's lips left hers and travelled to her jawline. His fingers caressed her earlobes and not long after he was nibbling at her neck. Elena sighed and held on to him tightly. 'You can… if you want to.' she whispered and her eyes fell close when his fangs gently pierced the soft skin of her neck. He stopped after a few minutes and gently licked the blood off the twin bite-marks.

'Elena…' Damon panted. 'You're killing me inside. It's so strong… I want you with my entire being.' he whispered. Elena managed a smile and kissed his lips once more. 'It's consuming, isn't it?' she asked sadly. She heard Damon gasp and looked up at him in confusion. He was staring at her in total disbelief.

'I don't deserve you.' Damon whispered. It sounded like the broken whisper of someone who knew that he was going to lose a loved one. Elena shook her head and kissed him again to make sure that he understood that he _did _deserve her. 'No Damon,' she said sadly. 'I just don't deserve you. You deserve someone far better than me. Someone who loves only you and wants be a vampire as well. I can't give you that.' the last sentence was merely a whisper.

She herself could hardly believe that she'd still go through with this, even after the affection that they'd shared. Elena sighed and stared into the fire. 'Do it now.' she pleaded. Damon nodded, she felt his skin rub against her cheek as he did. He caressed her neck and gently, slowly opened the lock of her necklace. He laid it on the table next to the couch and caressed Elena's hair as he looked into her eyes.

Both their eyes were filled with tears neither of them could contain. His hand never left her cheek. His pupils dilated and Elena braced herself. 'I want you to forget everything about me and my brother. You never met us, you never found out that we're vampires. You were never hurt and you don't have to choose anymore. God, I'm so sorry Elena. I love you, I really do…' he whispered, a tear rolled down his cheek.

* * *

_She walked up and down the road while she was on the phone. The party could still be heard in the distance. 'I know Bonnie, you're right. I should tell him how I feel. It's just so hard…' Elena said when she saw the man that was walking toward her. She put away her phone and stared at him. 'Katherine.' the stranger said in a strangled voice. Elena frowned and looked over her shoulder. 'Uhm… no, I'm Elena.' she said. _

_Her voice sounded a bit hoarse. His reaction was almost comical. He frowned. 'Oh.' he said. He frowned again and seemed a bit lost. 'But you… you just… I'm sorry. You just really remind me of someone…' he licked his lips. 'I'm Damon.' Elena moved her arms a bit, but didn't know what to do with them. 'Not to be rude or anything, Damon.' she said. 'But it's a little creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere.' Damon made a motion with his hand. 'You're the one to talk.' he said. 'You're at here all by yourself.' his lips curled up in a smirk. Elena shrugged. 'It's Mystic Falls, nothing bad ever happens here.' _

_Damon just stood there silently. Elena thought of something to break the silence with and held up her phone. 'I got into a fight with my boyfriend.' she said, the last word just a mumble. ''Bout what?' Damon asked, he didn't really sound interested, but he kept the conversation going. He held up his hands. 'May I ask?' Elena smiled sadly. 'Life, future, he's got it all mapped out.' she said. Damon pursed his lips and squinted at her. 'You don't want it?' he asked. The way he looked at her caused her stomach to do flip-flops. She shrugged innocently. 'I don't know what I want.' she said. _

_Damon tilted his head to the side. 'Well that's not true.' he pointed out. 'You want what everybody wants.' he said, as if it was a fact. Elena mimicked his movement. 'What, mysterious stranger who's got all the answers?' she teased. Damon chuckled and looked away. When he looked back at Elena, his expression confused her. 'Let's just say I've been around for a long time. I've learned a few things.' Elena smirked. She would give him a challenge. 'So, Damon, tell me, what is it that I want?' _

_He took a step closer while he talked. 'You want a love that _consumes you_. You want _passion_ and _adventure_ and even _a little danger_.' he said. It was not what Elena had expected, but it intrigued her. _Damon_ intrigued her. 'So, what do you want?' she asked. Her question took him aback, he raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth, but he couldn't think of the words to speak. She heard a car honk twice and turned around to see her parents' car. 'That's my parents.' she said, a smile in her voice. _

_When she turned around, Damon was standing dangerously close to her. She gasped and was captivated by his beautiful blue eyes. 'I want you to get everything you're looking for. But right now I want you to forget that this happened. Can't have people knowing I'm in town yet.' he said with a mischievous smile on his face. His voice sounded so hurt, so broken. For one second, Elena thought that he would cry. 'Goodnight, Elena.' he said. He was gone when Elena blinked._

* * *

_Elena walked toward the Salvatore mansion. The door was opened slightly and Elena opened it widely to let herself in. She looked around, only to almost get a heart-attack by the stranger that stood in front of her. 'I'm Damon.' the stranger said. He was dressed in black, his skin was pale and his face was just perfect. His eyes were the brightest, blazing blue that she'd ever seen. _

* * *

_She walked down the stairs of the Lockwood Mansion, expecting to see Stefan standing at the end. Her mouth opened to gape when she saw Damon standing there. Her hand tightened on the railing as she kept walking down, never taking her eyes off Damon. When she'd reached him, he offered her his arm. Elena took it and whispered 'Where's Stefan?' to him. 'I don't know!' Damon whispered back. When they danced, Elena could feel something growing in the darkest corner of her heart. Affection, sympathy. She smiled at Damon and offered him her hand. _

* * *

_Elena got out of the car, pain crippling her back as she tried to stand up. In a flash, Damon was next to her, startling her. He put a hand on her arm and one on her back, his eyes filled with worry. 'Are you okay?' he asked. Elena knew that she was lying when she said that she was fine. _

* * *

_She walked into her room. 'Cute PJs.' a voice said. She turned around with a gasp when she recognized Damon's voice. 'I'm tired, Damon.' she said tiredly. He smirked at her. 'I brought you this.' he said smoothly. In one hand, he held her necklace up. Elena's eyes widened and her hand went to her collarbone, where the necklace was absent. 'I thought that was gone… Thank you' she said in disbelief. Damon smirked and when Elena reached for the necklace, he held it back. 'Please give it back.' she said, annoyed with his stupid games. Damon smirked. _

'_I just have to say something.' he said slowly. Elena frowned. 'Why do you have to say it with my necklace on?' she wondered out loud. She swallowed, fearing that he would compel her. Damon gulped. 'Because what I'm about to say is… probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life.' Elena's eyes widened. 'Please don't go there Damon.' she pleaded. She hated it that she had to hurt him. She just wanted him to stop, to stop caring about her._

'_No. I have to say it once, you just need to hear it. I love you, Elena. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you and why you can't know this. I don't deserve you, but my brother does.' Damon said sadly. Elena saw tears welling up in his eyes. She could only stare, her mouth opened slightly, gaping at him. Damon bowed his head and kissed her forehead, her skin burned and tingled where his lips had touched. 'God, I wish you didn't have to forget this, but you do.' _

The memories washed over her like the tide of the ocean. Elena gasped and tried her hardest to fight the compulsion. She didn't want to forget, she _had_ to _remember_! '_No, no, no, no!_' she gasped. She heard Damon call her name, his hands on her shoulders as he shook her, but she couldn't grasp the memories. She couldn't keep them. Pain shot through her body and burned the memories away, Damon's name escaped her mind and she couldn't remember who was holding her.

* * *

She woke up in a wooden chair. Elena tried to move and get up, but she was strapped against it with a tight robe. When she looked around, with her head pounding and her wrists hurting, she found that there were needles stuck in them. Out of those needles came blood, that ran into two blood bags. When she looked up, she saw a stranger. The man with blond hair and blue eyes, with a beginning beard and moustache looked strangely familiar, but she just couldn't remember where she'd seen him before.

'Careful, love.' the man said. 'It's only going to hurt more. Don't worry, when the last drop of blood leaves your veins, you'll just fall asleep. That pesky vampire hunter will die and I'll have my hybrids.' he said. Elena didn't understand what he was talking about. She frowned and stared at him. It felt like she'd been drugged and she couldn't even feel afraid.

'Why are you doing this?' she demanded, feeling more and more tired. The man laughed and shook his head. 'You should be thankful, you know. You won't have to choose now. Your boys will be free.' he said. The way his voice sounded frightened her and made her feel threatened. She tried to get out of the chair, but the robe was too tight. She remembered something, suddenly. She remembered writing… something in her diary to… someone. About not wanting to live anymore? Elena frowned, but gave in and slumped in the chair.

She heard the man ordering someone to get more bags. The full blood bags were replaced with empty ones and her blood kept flowing from her veins. 'Sleep now, doppelgänger. Send my regards to my mother and my father, will you.' she heard the man say when she closed her eyes and rested her head against the chair. Her breathing slowed down until she was sleeping. The last two blood bags filled up, leaving no more blood to come from Elena's veins…

* * *

Damon was yelling franticly into his phone. He stumbled over his words as he tried to explain Stefan what was written in Elena's diary. 'She wants to _die_ Stefan! Stop talking about respecting her decisions and come help me to save her!' he snapped. He steered the car at the same time, toward the Mikealson mansion. A small voice in his hand told him that he would be too late, it didn't matter.

'Yes Stefan, I know. But she wants to die. She _can't_ die Stefan! No, not because I'm selfish, but because… What did I do? What did _you_ do? You broke her Stefan and because of _you_ she wants to die. Because of you I'm the one who… Oh God.' Damon whimpered.

'Damon, _calm down_.' Stefan said through the phone. Damon sighed and took a few deep breaths. Damon swallowed heavily. 'Because I wanted her to remember, to remember when I told her I loved her… It's the only way to reverse compulsion, Stefan!' Damon sighed. He stopped the car, jumped out and broke his phone in the process and used his vampire speed.

The door was locked, but he just kicked it out of its hinges. He was met by Klaus when he ran into the room. He saw Elena, strapped to the chair. He saw the blood bags, enough to drain a human of their blood. He screamed and shoved Klaus out of the way when the Original wanted to say something.

'Good, take her. Bury her. Mourn her. I'll leave town tomorrow. You won't have to deal with me anymore.' Klaus said. Damon snapped the robe and carried Elena toward his car with vampire speed. There, he laid her down against the car and bit his wrist. Blood streamed out and he pressed his wrist against Elena's lips. He cried and cursed himself for making her forget everything. Everything remained silent. No birds chirped, the absence of Elena's heartbeat was deafening in his ears. He buried his head in the crook of his neck and cried, his shoulders shook and Damon knew that he'd lost everything there'd been left to live for…

* * *

_Can you search down inside  
Let go of your pride?  
If I forget trying to win  
And just let you in  
I didn't travel this far  
To watch it all fall apart  
So give me your hand  
And take a chance_

* * *

"I still love you" - Alexz Johnson_  
_


End file.
